Blank Stares at Blank Pages

I haven't written since my birthday. wow.
to be honest I forgot I even had this.

this summer has been so different and so perfect.
I've sort of developed insomnia since I came home...or maybe it's just weird being up so late all the time for no reason.
When I lived with three other girls in my room there was always a reason to be awake.
But I like having the alone time just the same..it'll be gone before can say summer is here.

Oh and I still stand by my decision on pledging Sigma Kappa.
Sorority is probably the best thing that could have happened to me.
Without it, I would have been home every weekend and I probably wouldn't have a ton of friends.
That's the downside to a commuter school.
Living in the house is so much fun every single day. I'm not bored very often hah ;]


I love spending time with old friends this summer, it really is the best.
speaking of an old friend...I feel like I'm falling for one.
He's flawed and wonderful and I may be in over my head.
Falling for him really was an accident- he was the last one I thought I'd fall for.
But I know I haven't felt this way before and I just can't figure out a way to tell him.

We shall see. All I can do is keep my fingers crossed.

I've been a massive stresscase for the past couple weeks...I mean crying all the time for no reason, having panic attacks, you name it. I've been incredibly upset and nervous about things I have no control over and I've been very insecure lately. I think it's all in response to the enormous transition from high school to college. In any case, I've gone mad. Last night, it was all too much and I decided to pray and give all my worries and insecurities up to God. This morning I woke up to a text message from a friend whom I haven't spoken to in a while that said "God told me to tell you that everything you're going through is taken care of." Granted, it was one of those silly forwarded text messages but I think it was still amazing. What incredible timing that God has.  I had the most beautiful day, no, everything I have been given (gifts, talents, friends, family, even struggles) is beautiful because of Him.

It feels like things are starting to fall into place. I've actually been doing my homework and studying but I could be studying harder...that will happen in time. I just need a 2.5 in order to stay off academic probation in Sigma K.
Speaking of Sigma Kappa, I know I've talked to some of you about it until you're blue in the face so I'll spare you the details but I'm honestly so glad that I joined. I've made some incredible friends that I know will always be there for me. I'm so thankful for these girls.
Since I started school, I've felt very disconnected from God and just all around bad about my relationship with Him. This past week I was stressing so hard about not knowing who my Big Sis would be, I gave it up to God. I said something like "God, I don't care who I get. Do what you want, just please give me someone who will bring me closer to You." When Friday rolled around and Karlie blew out that candle and hugged me I felt a sense of relief. Her strength and unwavering faith never ceases to amaze me. God has given me this great opportunity to get to know my sister in Christ and hopefully grow in my faith. He has truely answered my prayers.

it was just one of those shit days.
Breaking down because you miss your best friend who lives in Florida and not having somewhere to cry in privacy is sort of annoying.
Maybe I'm going to start my period soon because I cried three times today.
Also, being treated like you don't exist by one of your oldest friends really doesn't make shitty days any less shitty.

At least, at the end of the day, I know who my friends and sisters are.

I'm a SIGMA KAPPA and they call me sigmasexy!!!!!

I 've changed a lot this summer. Grown up a bit, I suppose. I've made new friends but I still love a few from high school. <3

Packing up my room is so weird, I'm moving out in two days. Let's face it, I'm not great at dealing with changes. I had trouble moving ten minutes away from Courtney..how do you think I'm doing knowing I'm moving 40+ minutes away from everyone? I know I could be going further, and everyone else is, but you have to understand that I have lived in the same 3 mile radius for my entire life.

I don't know what I'm supposed to pack or how I'm supposed to pack it. 

I feel very far away from God.

 so...that's it?
high school is.....over?

this  is bullshit.

How can we be sure everything will be alright?

jackie isn't moving home. My heart is honestly broken.
When she left it was "its okay just six months and you'll be back, hang in there." We've literally been counting the days until she comes home. I can't even comprehend that she's staying there. I keep going back and forth between crushed and furious.
A month isn't enough time to make up for the six we all have lost and the next 12 we're all going to lose.

Im a little worried I won't be able to handle what might be coming my way.

Does it make sense at all that I'm SO scared not to be in high school anymore but SO excited to be in college?


49 days until Graduation.

9. 5 weeks.
full speed ahead.

Im in love with Amoeba Music.
the end.

Well so.. college is real I guess?
Who knew?
I just looked through old journal entries. I read what I wrote on this exact day for the past three years. I can't figure it out. It's pretty funny to think I was stressing SO much over things that I can't even remember now. It's weird to think that at this time next year I'll be sitting in my college dorm with a roommate, who I hope to God doesn't hate me, dealing with some sort of..something..I won't remember anything about 5 years from now.
I'm graduating. We all are. In 80 days and about 14 hours, I will be walking into that stadium in my cap and gown and sitting with my best friends, graduating. The moment we've been dreaming about for the past 4 years is going to take place in less than 81 days.
700 days, that's all high school is. Out of the 20 or 30,000 days that we'll live. It's incredible how big of an impact 700 days can have, let alone 4 or 5. How many of those 700 days have we spent stressing over a paper we left until the last minute or crying over someone we don't even think about anymore? And how many memories have we made in just 700 days? That first day of freshman year, the dances, the beginning of summer parties? And so much will happen between now and graduation- matriculation tests, PROM, bible studies, we'll move into the new HUB, Jackie and Julia will come home, signing yearbooks, taking finals. All in 81 short days. And then the rest of our lives are going to start. But just for kicks, let's make these next 81 days count.

Although this spring break hasn't been as...exhilarating as I thought it would be...I still had a good time.
I spent some much needed time with my little sisters.
And I said a lot of things that have been on my mind to some people.
So I'd say it's been a success.
Plus, there's two days left, you never know what could happen.
cross your fingers :]]]

im missing summertime. seems like everything was beautiful and harmonious over the summer.
but im really trying just to give everything that frustrates me up to God  because I can't solve any of my problems on my own.

76 DAYS  UNTIL JACKIE COMES HOME

              I'm really quite finished with everyone's BS. I kinda wish I was going further away for college so maybe these kinds of problems wouldn't follow me there. But even if I did go away for college I'm sure I'd find some other people to dump their problems on me. It's not that I don't mind helping people, I actually love helping people. But I do not enjoy helping stupid people with their problems that wouldn't exist if they weren't so dumb. oh AND what ever happened to having standards? I wont go into details but REALLY? Seriously, what teenagers see as significant other material tends to be apalling to me. Unacceptable, people.

3 months and 17 days until graduation.
its getting close, guys.

I really am excited.
but its also reeeeeeeeealllly depressing.
say the word "graduation" to me and Allie Bond and we'll probably hit you.